I hate all the girls who love their “y”
Names like Tony and Johnny and Marky
And Joey…alright, well maybe not Marky
But Tony is really terrible. People pretend

Names are important and when they come
Up with their Rackstraw Robbins, they’re
so proud of themselves. So they
immediately come up with a
counterpart – something original
like Sally or Samantha.

The Bible is full of wonderful names
Like Habbakuk, Absalom, and Obediah -
Polysyllabic and foreign – but not
Intentionally foreign because Jesus
Came before all of us…right?

What happens if Jesus came tomorrow
And then we were on the other side
Of the testament line. I hate how now
I have to think of a really cool
Hipster way of introducing Jesus
because everyone’s thought
Of Jesus the motorcyclist or Jesus
The surfer or rock me sexy Jesus
With the hot swimmer bod. Hamlet 2
Sucks. Never watch it.

Why do I suck for talking about Jesus?

So I won’t talk about Jesus. I’ll talk about
Not Jesus. Like Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss
Is delicious because of its name.
Miss Swiss of Swissafornia who swissed
Her Miss and got a you know what
In the deal. And she didn’t know what to
Name it and neither did he so
They did the best thing any couple could
Do for mistakenly bringing another human
Being into the world of Woody Allen –
They saved her the anxiety
Of identity.
They left her nameless.