God, Singapore
I do not feel Him
But I know that He is here.
Because of His Testaments
And because I have seen Him before
And because I have seen the evil one
In my dreams and on the corner
Holding a broken boom box
Staring.
When I was on the corner
doing His work
I have never been afraid
like that before
But I knew that He protected me
And so I was tormented but
confident
when a bloody woman
stood next to my bed
her hair loose, and she would not leave
for 3 months, though I asked and asked and asked.
And here in Singapore
I feel heavy
And wonder what it is like
to not know, and if I could ever
not know. It is not as bad as that summer
two years ago
But in some ways, it is:
Last month
I sat on the hot curbside and wondered
until I heard a song
and followed the tune
in forms of highs and lows
Mandarin
And I knew the song
was Truth
I heard it.
There are glimpses like that
But often I choose not to engage
not to defend
Not to speak
And sometimes, that is better because
it speaks more loudly
but sometimes it does not
And I know of those sometimes
And I feel saddened by it
For
He is what I know
And I am afraid
when I am not afraid
because that is when I know
that I am no longer trying.
But I know that He is here.
Because of His Testaments
And because I have seen Him before
And because I have seen the evil one
In my dreams and on the corner
Holding a broken boom box
Staring.
When I was on the corner
doing His work
I have never been afraid
like that before
But I knew that He protected me
And so I was tormented but
confident
when a bloody woman
stood next to my bed
her hair loose, and she would not leave
for 3 months, though I asked and asked and asked.
And here in Singapore
I feel heavy
And wonder what it is like
to not know, and if I could ever
not know. It is not as bad as that summer
two years ago
But in some ways, it is:
Last month
I sat on the hot curbside and wondered
until I heard a song
and followed the tune
in forms of highs and lows
Mandarin
And I knew the song
was Truth
I heard it.
There are glimpses like that
But often I choose not to engage
not to defend
Not to speak
And sometimes, that is better because
it speaks more loudly
but sometimes it does not
And I know of those sometimes
And I feel saddened by it
For
He is what I know
And I am afraid
when I am not afraid
because that is when I know
that I am no longer trying.
posted by Jean Lee at
8:06 AM
1 Comments:
Your post reminded me of the passage below, It's a good reminder. it might not have anything to do with what you're going through, but your post made me stop and listen, and be reminded of what I've forgotten.
6“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
-Isaiah 58:6-12
Sometimes amidst all the chaos and the mayhem it's easy to cling on, but it's the calm that's hard. The seemingly silent moments that force me to actually be still and listen.
So thanks for making be still for a moment, so I could listen and hear Him.
(I like verse 11, it kinda suits singapore...haha)
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